broken relationships: the one sided relationship

I have gone back to examining my own friendships and relationships. As I look around, I see a lot of relationships of convenience. I guess this means that the relationship just happens to work because the people just happen to be thrown together and schedules fit. But the people don't seek each other out really.

When I was in college, I think I observed this a lot. And this is sad. I always felt bad because there were so many great people I had met but I didn't have time to really get to know all of them or hang out with all of them. So I always felt fake or something. Because, hey if I think you're such a cool guy or girl then why don't I hang out with you more? Happened all the time. Truth is there were some people I hung out with more just because we had all the same classes and we were in all the same extra curricular stuff. And those were the people I got to know. So these frienships took little effort.

Right now, I have observed that some people seek you out and other people wait for it to just happen. People waiting to just click as friends. When it does click, it's out of convenience and some natural feeling. If it's not clicking, then what? Do we try and make it work? I have observed lately at work that some people try hard to make friends with me not by trying to get to know me but by trying to change my behavior. I guess that this behavior change will make them more comfortable around me and then we can all just get along. Very seldom does anyone actually try and get to know me or ask questions or whatever; things that might actually make me more comfortable and maybe would relax the mood a bit...who knows.

The flip side of this, is that I don't do it either. I rarely call people to see how they are doing or ask if they want to do something. Part of it is because I work a lot but also part of it, and probably the main part is that I just don't know what to do and don't want to put forth the effort. It takes effort really. And what if my friends don't like to do the same kinds of things? (this happens more often than I thought) Then it takes effort to find out what they do like and then more effort to actually do those things with them. It seems to take a lot of effort to contact people and find out how their day is when all I really want to do is focus on my own problems.

The best relationships seem to thrive when both sides are getting what they need out of it. Whether it's attention, or good conversation, or something. If someone is consistently getting what they need and want and then not giving anything in return. It starts to strain things a bit. If someone is always giving me attention and then I never give attention to the other person, a few things could happen. I will eventually start to recognize that I don't ever give attention that I should give to the person, then I could either start doing it, or I could decide that it's not worth the effort and then move on. Or I could never realize it, and the other person could continue and eventually feel drained or exasperated or that person could decide that it's not worth the effort and move on.

You know how when you receive something, sometimes you feel the need to pay the person back somehow. Or if you give a lot of something, you start to feel that you need to get something in return. That's how it goes. Relationships have to be two way or else one side will be frustrated.

I went through a break up a while back, and I think that for a while, we both were fulfilling each other's emotional needs and wants and then after a while, the return wasn't matching up with our need. I think the longer you give/receive, the more you need to give/receive. Anyway, so we somehow weren't able to continue, maybe because the demand on each other was more than we could fulfill based on the effort put in.

I have a friend who always calls or texts me but I hardly ever do it first. Why is this? I don't know. It's easier to wait to be called or texted, but what if I put forth the same effort that I was being shown? Maybe the friendship would thrive to some new level.

I have another friend who I hardly ever talk to and I don't know why. Actually, I do know why, it's just not convenient. We could talk more but one of us would have to really step out of routine to make it happen. And who wants to do that?

I need to be someone who puts forth more effort in relationships. Not just when it is convenient. This is because I care about and want to pour into other people. I know people like this. I want to be one of those people. That doesn't just have a lot to give but is willing to give it.

There is a lot of spiritual/biblical parallels in this. Those of you who are Spiritually minded will get it; the rest of you who may be curious can ask me. I pray that I can do more and be more for my friends and family.