Why don't I?

It's 4am and instead of sleep, here I am. I find it so odd, that I can sit around and be so sleepy; yet when I finally decide that I want to go to sleep; I just lie there and can't fall asleep. I discover that I have to force my eyelids to stay closed. That's so odd. But I had stuff on my mind.

I remember when I was in college. I really enjoyed being around this one girl. It just so happened that during the course of a normal day, our paths would cross repeatedly. It was a small school so I saw a lot of her and our schedules were similar. I enjoyed our time together, and she always made me feel special. When the next semester came, we had different schedules. So, I couldn't just randomly or casually see this person. I had to actually make an effort to see her. I had to seek her out. I couldn't just meet her or see her wherever I was normally at. At this stage, I wasn't at a place where I would just ask her out or anything; so I decided that I just needed to make sure that I was in the same places that she was at certain times. I tried to time my lunch schedule differently. I took more scenic routes between classes. Instead of studying in my dorm room, I tried studying in the library. I tried all of these things that would increase my chances of encountering her...

Tonight while I was trying to fall asleep, a thought occured to me. I had just remembered how I felt when I was a youth minister. I remember feeling a huge pressure to make sure that I was living a certain way. I wanted to make sure that I didn't make any mistakes or slip ups. And I don't think this was living fake, I seriously and genuinely didn't want to do anything wrong, that would make myself look bad, or the church look bad, or God look bad. However, during this time, I felt very hypersensitive to everything that I could possibly do wrong. And so then I felt a need to have "freedom to make mistakes." And so somewhere along the way, I glorified this need to have freedom to make mistakes. Because we all make mistakes and we all mess up. And God meets us where we are at. And that's a great thing. So the argument was, "why waste so much time trying to live up to a standard when God should just meet me where I am?" (All of this: in the name of "being real") So in some ways, my thoughts led to action and conversation. I embraced a new freedom. However, in that freedom. I made some mistakes. I do this anyway. Yet the difference was, I was embracing these mistakes. Let mistakes define who I am.

Now that I live on my own, and I don't answer to anyone but God and myself. I think that I have learned: I hate making mistakes. Why do I need freedom to mess up when messing up seems to really suck? I'm not talking about taking chances or risks and trying new things. I am talking about riding the proverbial fence on some things and being close to some "edge" while trying to live in this phase of "being real" before God. I have learned that we are not supposed to make mistakes. But why not?

I have been reading some biographies lately. Trying to get inspired. In an unlikely place, I read that Queen Latifah was asked what one of her biggest challenges was in being a celebrity. She said that she "can't mess up. Everyone is watching." I immediately thought, well what's wrong with messing up? Everyone messes up. Yes, we do. and God meets us where we're at, so it's ok, right?

However, I was thinking about that girl. and then a thought came to me. What if instead of trying to have God meet me where I am at; that I actually move towards God? What if I tried to increase my chances of encountering God in every day circumstances. What would my life be like? How would it be different? I wouldn't be so prideful about messing up then. My life with God recently has been like with the first semester with the girl. Just going through my routine and if I so happen to encounter God, then great! But what about when the semester changes? What about when life happens? and it's more difficult? Do I just continue to do things the way I want to? Not caring about the outcome? With the girl, I didn't. I changed my routine and habits so that I could see her again. Why don't I do this with God?

I wonder how things would have been different with the girl if I had openly and honestly just come out and told her that I wanted to be with her at all times. That would have been wild. Then I'd really have to actively pursue her. That's a step up from just organized happenstance. I might even have to call her and/or walk with her to different places. Way too purposeful right? Why don't I do this? with God?