This past weekend was great. I did my thing for a great group of jr. high kids for most of the weekend. Then I finally ended up in Memphis for the New Daisy show.
It's hard to describe how significant this show was for me. I had always hoped to perform a big show in front of my parents. Also, Mutemath is a band I've always respected and probably is my favorite band out there, if I'm honest. The only thing that would have made the night even more perfect would have been if Club of the Sons had been there.
Anyway, here is a video clip from that night.
And here is the rest. Click the links to watch it.
One of the things that is different from the guy I was to the guy I am now: I am not confident enough in myself or anything I'm doing to the point where I want to share with anyone. That is, if I were to share; I might possibly let someone down by not living up to my own advice, standards, commentary, etc.
I am pretty sure that this is what has affected my blogging. But not for long.
;-)
Philemon 7
Friday, May 8, 2009
I've had a great weekend already.
I saw STAR TREK last night; it was absolutely fantastic. That's all I can really say about it.
I didn't really sleep at all last night. I was up late finishing my new record. I say new because I've never really had a record before but the songs have been a long time in the making. My music thing as Quiet Entertainer has always just been kind of a hobby but now as I have finished the Machismo EP, I feel very accomplished. I can't wait for people to hear it.
So I was at this hip-hop show this past weekend, and a girl introduced herself to me and asked me a few questions. Then she put it out there that she thought I was cute and that I should take her phone number and that we should do lunch sometime. Well, this is very flattering and I appreciate the kind of guts it takes to do this. But I can't help but realize how this is a turnoff for me.
It's kind of like when you were younger and you had plans of being lazy one weekend and you find out that your parents have planned your weekend out for you. I kind of felt like that. Maybe that's a little extreme. But what I mean is; I need to feel like I am the one who started it. Do you know what I mean?
In some odd way, I feel as though my manhood was robbed. I didn't get a chance to "notice" her. Make up my mind about her. Think of something to say. Gather the courage to talk to her. Any of that. And in some weird way, that's part of it. There is this whole mental and emotional process that I would normally go through that just got completely skipped. And it isn't beneficial for either of us.
I guess it goes back to the first time this ever happened to me. I was in 9th grade. In honors english. When I was in 9th grade; I had only asked a girl out once in my life; that was a year ago. So I was really inexperienced in such things. Well this girl was sitting next to me in class; and basically did the same thing. She put her intentions out there. She wrote her number down and gave it to me; and told me that I better call her THAT day. Well, what the heck? Call her for what? I didn't know? What were we going to talk about?
Well anyway, I guess it is the 1st century and maybe women can be a lot more forward now then before. And I know sometimes I'm chicken and won't say anything or approach a woman. But when I do gather the courage and the strength to step forward; it's a lot better. I would encourage women to not rob men of that chance to be that guy. I know that if I feel like I have some kind of control over it and am not being forced or led into it; I am more excited about it and will put more energy into it; because my interest level is greater. There is a very long tangent I could go into here but I won't.
If a woman was into me; and I didnt notice her; she should make me notice. Not by forcing herself onto me. "Ok, we're going out soon!" But maybe; I don't know. I remember in college, I was talking to this girl. She was really attractive. Was asking me all kinds of questions about myself. And I'm just oblivous to it all. And she ends it with "well, if you ever want to talk to someone; you can talk to me. You know; just whenever. I'm available to talk." And I thought to myself, oh that's cool. And she said again "Yeah, anytime you wanna talk." And I guess I thought to myself; "Oh cool, I'll just see her around sometime, and we can talk if I see her. Get caught up or whatever." I didn't think that I should get her number or anything.
I think I've told this story before on this blog; but I think it is relevant again in this instance.
But yea, now that I'm older; I would rather a girl give me a chance to think that I am in control of how things are unfolding rather than try to impose her will onto me in a blatant and obvious way.
Maybe it's actually a pattern. I work a job that requires me to be on the computer a lot. Then my other job is delivering packages; where I have to spend most of that time by myself on the route. Then my other job is delivering pizzas; where I spend most of that time in my truck.
Before that, I was a youth minister; and while I thought that would be lots of relationship-driven work; I remember spending a lot of that time by myself. Before that, I did a lot of radio work; I spend that time by myself in a studio. I do music; but I'm not in a band; I'm a solo artist. I'm an actor; but I'm not in a play or a cast; I'm auditioning for commercials and stuff on my own.
I wonder if I just naturally put myself in situations and so on where I am by myself?
I went to my college's homecoming earlier this year; and someone remarked that I would frequently do these "disappearing acts" where I just wouldn't be around for weeks at a time. I found this so curious because we all lived on campus; and I was always "there" but maybe I naturally withdrew.
I generally like myself as a person, but I don't like THIS about myself. Because I do like people; and I think that everyone has a unique story. But that probably doesn't come across if I'm always by myself.
I wonder if I changed my habits and did things completely different; if I'd ever get anything done.
I delivered a package to some guy the other day; and as I approached him; he asked "Are you going to heaven when you die?" Well, I know what this guy was doing. He doesn't know me. I could be anybody. As a believer, this guy has taken on this duty of making sure that I am "saved." Anything less than a definitive and certain answer will branch the seemingly surface level conversation into a personal probing of life situations, spiritual encounters, emotional baggage. So in order to deflect the oncoming missile, I say, "Absolutely...please sign.."
However, there are few things I am just ABSOLUTELY sure of. The things I am actually sure about actually are faith issues. The Bible says that faith is to be sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Well, I dunno. There seems to be room for doubt in there. And in my quest to be honest and open about my questions and doubts, it would be tough to really dialogue with this guy about my doubts on where I go.
I think about these doubts sometimes. A few weeks ago I caught myself looking at my old college's job placement website again looking at youth ministry positions. I had been considering getting back into it. However, I don't know now if I could ever do it again, especially the way I did before. I have so many questions. And it seems the more I learn and seek; the more questions I have. Something I valued in the youth ministry that I went through was that it was a place for answers. I think that a lot of youth need some clear cut answers. Yet, I don't know if I have clear cut answers; I just know what I believe. And even that has changed over time.
Recently, I was looking at this venue as a possible place to do my music. But it was a venue that would only book Christian artists. I don't even know what that means anymore. But this place had a survey/questionnaire that is supposed to determine the 'Christian-ness' of your artistry. For some, maybe it's not a big deal. However, I found it to be kind of silly.
It reminded me of when I was watching a presidential debate or something and someone asked the candidate if they believed EVERY WORD of the Bible. I emphasis that here because they emphasized it there. I believe the guy who answered gave a very careful reply. But the questioner was looking for a yes or no; cut and dry answer. I just don't know if there is a cut and dry way to do this life.
I still believe that the Bible is from God and explains life the best. And I believe 2 Tim 3:16 to be true. But there is a lot I'm still unsure of. And I think that someone who knows everything about the Bible still won't know EVERYTHING about God. Especially God. So I'm not sure what to do with cookie cutter responses and being SURE. Maybe it's healthy to have a fear of being wrong. Maybe some uncertainty will make it more real to me. I think that has to be what we all have in common.
Guys, you know that girl...that you just KNOW would go out with you if you asked her? Yea, that girl. Well why don't you ever want to ask her out? I have no idea. I imagine and speculate that for whatever reason there is no mystery there. Because you just know the outcome. I think there is mystery with God. Surely. So I perhaps will stop trying to act like a know-it-all. Because I don't know it all.
But I know what I know. That sounds so pointless and confusing. But it really isn't.
I don't suppose I'm having a bad time or anything, but I'm really tired. I miss the stability of a 9-5. I miss the consistency of seeing people on a regular basis.
I feel as though my pursuits automatically ostracize me from anyone I meet. I feel very disconnected from any and everything.
I'm working too hard to get not enough results. I need to fix or change something. But what?
My friend Mark Collins passed away this week. He was 46.
I was watching TV the other night and this movie had already been on when I found it. Maybe I caught the last 30 minutes of it. I had to fill in a lot of blanks. But in the movie; the hero, of course, had to face his fears and overcome some obstacles; join forces with some unlikely companions and then fight the forces of evil. I love stories like this. No matter how cheesy.
At the end of the movie, the hero is standing and overseeing the area and everything is made right and all of the people whom he saved were happy and enjoying themselves. Newly formed relationships were flourishing. And he looked over it and gave a nod of approval. I was moved by this. I can tell a good story if it is a story that I want to be in. One I want to be a part of.
The man who taught me how to appreciate a good story and how to appreciate the arts, was Mark Collins. He was my theatre teacher in high school. My longest and best friendships to date were formed in his classes. I took 3 courses from him. He taught me how to mentally block distraction. He showed me how to see unlimited possibilities from ordinary objects. He forced me to work with people that I wouldn't normally and in environments that were uncomfortable. He taught me how to deal properly with criticism. He affirmed my talents, encouraged my spirit, and rewarded my efforts. He made me believe that I could be a part of the story. Any story.
As I write this, I realize that he must have done this for so many others. So many people benefited from his life. I am humbled to have been a part of his own story.
I really do believe that not everything that happens in life happens for a reason. I think that some things in life should never happen; or when they do happen; it really sucks. But so often when crappy things happen, I hear people say this as if to say "Oh, it's ok."
But when bad stuff happens, it isn't ok! And when we screw up; sometimes there isn't a reason. Sometimes, we just make mistakes. And that's ok to admit. I don't think it makes us weak or lesser.
As I look back over my year. I was realizing that I have gone through and experienced a lot and I also have two or three regrets. And I caught myself thinking, "Oh well it's ok because everything happens for a reason." And to be fair, it's totally reasonable to pull something good out of a bad circumstance. And when you do that, you can say, "Well, if that hadn't happened; I never would have _____." But that doesn't make the bad thing ok.
I guess what I want to avoid is blaming God for everything bad and sayig He must have some great reason for it. But there are no reasons for some of the things. I guess the key is to learn from both the good and the bad circumstances and to grow and find positive meaning in each thing. To me, that is different than just blindly accepting that something is ok because there must be some unknown reason behind it.
So yep. I'm very pleased with 2007. I played a lot of shows as Quiet Entertainer. Performed at Cornerstone. Went to Bonnaroo. Went to Austin, Dallas, and New Orleans for some shows. Joined a church. Made some friends. Stretched myself. Became a working actor again. Got to be in two commercials and a music video. Praise God for all those things. I am eager to grow.
I think despite every obstacle; I think I still "ran for it." But I need to be more disciplined in a lot of areas where I stumbled this year. So in keeping with the theme, this is 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
So there it is. Happy New Year! Let's talk more in '08!
Monday, December 3, 2007
I am up EARLY! It's a rare occasion. I hope everyone can enjoy it!
I was out and about this weekend. And I saw this guy; he looked really familiar. So I am trying to look at him without looking...you know? Trying to figure out who the guy is. He dressed pretty nicely. Had the stubble look going. I could swear I had seen this guy before. I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought, "Do I know this guy? or is he famous?" Well, I finally figured it out later. It was this guy.
Or at least it was someone who looked exactly like him. And I am thinking, where do I know this guy from? And I was just racking my brain trying to figure it out. Well, I don't watch a lot of TV shows (except for one that I will mention later) and I normally watch a lot of movies but I haven't seen any new ones in a while. So what's he from?
Okay, so he was in Sweet Home Alabama. Pretty ok movie, watched it with my sister. But isn't he in something else? IMDB-time! Oh, sweet! He was in Can't Buy Me Love. Remember that movie? OH, ok. I've heard this name before...this guy is McDreamy....
and I thought, who comes up with that name? McDreamy? You know that's a TV character name. I had to do some research to find out that this isn't the guy's actual name on the show. Thank goodness.
So what's up with Grey's Anatomy? Actually, I have seen one episode. I can't remember what happened in it. I just remember that one of the characters seemed to do strange things...with guys. I think she was one of McDreamy's women. (Just saying that name or typing it makes me laugh. I mean, seriously.) Ok, her name in the show is Meredith. All you Grey watchers, does she get around a lot in the show? Is she the missing cast member from Sex and the City? Is she a recurring guest star in Desparate Housewives? What's her deal?
I guess it's fitting that she ends up with a guy named McDreamy. So did he name himself that? or is that her pet name for the guy? It's such a made for TV name. It's just a step down from Ben Dover. But I can't make fun. My favorite show Heroes has a character named Hiro...
Which brings me to my next point. Tonight is the last episode of Heroes. Indefinitely until the strike is over. I am so saddened by this. Heroes is one of the greatest shows I have ever seen. I can believe that there is a strike. I was hoping that my favorite show wouldn't be affected. When will there be a new show after this? Who knows?! But make no mistake, I don't blame the creators of this wonderful show.
I am siding with the Writers Guild of America.
I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I understand that the general public isn't always going to get the best and most accurate information about the real details of a situation. But I just plain think the writers are right on this one.
Most of you know that I am making plans to enter the profession of acting. Full time as soon as it allows. This sort of situation would affect me. It affects all people in the industry. In my quest to become an actor who makes a living off the craft, I know the concept of residuals. I respect that part of the business.
It's not as easy as just saying to writers to go get a job. I am a firm believer in doing what you are passionate about (even though I currently work at FedEx; but those who know; know that I am miserable). And it's not as easy as just firing the writers who are on strike and then hiring new writers; because then THOSE writers will be paid unfairly also. I say unfairly because SOMEONE is being paid lots of money and increasingly more money as the industry grows through internet and DVDs. So if someone is getting paid; why not everyone who is involved?
I think it's inaccurate to call it greed on the writers part because people are making money off of what they do. Ah, I could go on and on about this. But check out this video.
I'm too liberal for conservative Christians, too conservative for liberal Christians. Too Christian for non-Christians. I don't act "black enough" for some black people. To everyone else, I'm just "too black." I listen to too much rock for hip-hop fans. Too much hip-hop for rock fans... ...and open-minded people don't want to hear what I have to say. Where does that leave me?
